DISQUS

loc

Portland, OR

web

andrew.ruess.us

bio

Andrew Ruess is a damn interesting fellow. He began as a young boy in the King's Royal Navy, but his talents and interests soon drew him into more academic pursuits. After seven years as a university gigolo, he finally saved up enough to purchase his own Macintosh (import tax is damn high in Britain). And, as they say in German, "Stahl jemand meine hubschen yodeling Hosen? Ich kann nicht sie nirgends finden."

Andrew has thus spent his time engaged in the world of cyber-jujitsu, the secret art of adeptly smashing the keyboard in a pattern reminiscent of a brain-stroke. But to those of knowledge, his outburts of chi are indeed a forgotten and futile attempt to manipulate the operating system in the fucking stupidest way possible: the command line... of doom. Andrew's associates are constantly afraid that he will one day become mentally unstuck in time and regress into his psyche. The world will rue that day.

There are dark rumors of The Ruess purchasing a Pentium 133mhz box and running Windows ME as his primary operating system. It has never been proven, and was eventually dismissed by the World Court. The genocide of our children's children would be possible through the depravity of such a machinization. Some concede that right-wing neo-facists and a couple of manic libertarians likely joined together in an effort to derail Andrew's ascension to the throne of the human hegemony. However, all of his detractors suddenly contracted the rare 'planxi capitis vitiosus,' also known to non-medical personel as a beating of the brain.

When Andrew is not the praticing the lost arts, he enjoys long walks on the beach, brown paper bags, and cups of hot cocoa. His most recent publishings mused on the creation of a kinetic energy machine that harvests energy from small children running into a brick wall. Those criminal charges were dismissed as well.